god told me to skin you alive

i recently finished reading a book called Counter-Clock World, a sickly titled sci-fi work by phillip k. dick. it got me thinking about god again. i do this from time to time as i think anyone must. i dont believe in god. but i'm not entirely sure why. i dont need it i guess. i'm fond of making the simplistic argument that i have FAITH in science and reason. i think this ignores something though because people in this century do not merely replace reason with religion (well some do but fuck those people because they are regressive and of no help to me...begone...you are whack to me) in that case i am religious because [i feel like i dont want to admit it but] there is a lot that i do not understand in the workings of my life and i just accept that there are things greater than myself flowing...giving recieving and sythesizing
ooooooh
aaaaaah
these are just action reaction things though i think
i dont think its spiritual or anything
just cause
effect
but on such a grand scale
so complex and convoluted
anyway dick's book talks about all time existing all the time. not a thing which comes and goes but a series of concentric circles of reality. this stuff's fun and i actually read a maddeningly brief article about the nature of time in existence of universes that sort of fits with this. maddening, i say because in all of a 2 page spread this dude attempts to explain why time's movement is arbitrary and the idea of time moving forwards or back is just a way we frame time to percieve it for ourselves. so what? well i dont know and also it had a lot to do with how universes form and entropy and...well it could have used some more explanation but it is still fascinating. and to the the daily orange used to devote at least a 2page spread a year to college kids...Smoking Pot!!! wait! are there publications of greater intellectual merit/integrity than the DAILY ORANGE?!
anyway there are concentric circles of reality in the book and the outter-most equals god. a reality where things are all together. an "absolute reality." the further you are from this the less real and the more "evil" though as a concept there is no "evil" in this. there are not binaries just a sliding scale of reality. whoa
also i have faith in living less capitalist
less sexist
racist
etc
and theres nothing to really indicate that that will ever happen so...
i have faith in shared experience through media (lester bangs said experience is "hippy shit" and that media's how we really live...so true, right?)
i think that god wants me to keep growing my hair...
"hairs are your aerials"
maybe i can get more "real" by extending my hair. i do feel that i am moving outwards in concentric ripples. i FEEL this. my understandings are less and more. less is more, get me? i dont really know much but i know what cannot be known. there are known unknowns and unknown unknowns. thats the ones that worries me but i know that time will reveal that there is
a)nothing there, dont worry...check your local listings
b)too much, like dark matter with low entropy...a universe will soon develop but time may be moving forwards or back...check back in a thousand years
c)lightning struck itself...chiggity-check yourself
ok so
alright now

the other day i watched a commercial for the outback steakhouse and i was all like "this is a pleasant little tuneski yall got to sell yo meat, sound a little of montreal..." well lo
it IS of montreal
i gotta learn to trust my media receptors a little mo
mo money mo problems thats why its all good for vw

back to the G-O-D
one time i was fishing in a bracingly cold river in montana. i was up to my thighs in the cold rush. clouds obscured the light and i was meandering about kind of aimlessly not catching a thing. then the sun broke through above a large hill all covered in pines. the light shone down about me warming my face and making shimmery mercurial brilliance of the river. i looked up and half expected to be greeted by god. i was thinking this is it, no one else around and me just standing here awaiting some higher power to say "how they biting?" but nothing happened. and of course everything happened...har har har
once as a boy i was swimming in a lake and i swam very far out and i had a snorkel and i dove to the bottom of the lake because i must have seen something down there. as i resurfaced i did not properly clear the snorkel and began to choke on some water. i began to thrash and sputter and do all the things youre not supposed to do if you get into some trouble in water over your head. no one responded to me because they thought i was just some kid playing around. i thought i would die. my dad saved me after some time. again i did not see or commune with god and since thats the closest i've come to having my life threatened i think maybe i should have.
of course these are just stupid anecdotes which prove nothing except that by myself i have some stupid thoughts. but they are amusing illustrations of a desire to have things put into perspective by something outside of oneself. this type of shit happens alla the time, you gotta get yours...
see i think as we get older we look for it in simpler stuff because life is not threatened daily (for middle class americans...i wonder if folks in iraq see god all the time and are just as sick of it as the american preseance...) or maybe we get all smartened up like. a couple times at what i made into important times i hear 'like a rolling stone' on the radio and i was all like "nice little movie soundtrack move random media intervention on my dome-piece!" but thats all it is. its nothing, and its everything so this comes around to where i want to be...
my religion is rock n roll
get me
it is silly exclusivity and macho posturing but it can be a beautiful and democratic space right? i think sometimes so. it is imperfect but my mom goes to the catholic church and WHOA...talk about imperfect...dont get me started DONT GET ME STARTED
see in some really nice little times music has been the most nice and connective thing for me. i'd like to provide examples but mostly i think folks would laugh at my pseudo philosophy
the [maybe sad] truth is that the best understandings i have of communication and its prime importance in making sense of one's existence come from music, from pop music
i mean goddamn, is that so much sillier than readin on a bible and taking those words for TRUTH with the CAPS LOCK t?
or the constitution? or the davinci code? or me and you and everyone we know? mr narrator this is bob dylan to me
i can get into a whack list of meta-rocking songs and i'd love to if you were hear with me to just spiel it out but lets ignore it for the piece. what i'm thinking to say is its all just words and thems a fickle fickle bunch. its just something that means only to the individual and i get lost in trying to recruit to my side but only because i want to speak and on some level be heard. i dont mean to be a prick i just want a reaction, sometimes. its all just a lot of words and while i know them to be ofetn as nothing they are also about the best thing we got...if imperfect...like church...like rock...like dan brown. we gotta use something and everybody's gotta think they've got something they can work on getting better. or so says i. so thinks i and not too damn sure at that.
its just that in all that i know...pretend to...were looking to put it into categories or perspective wherever we find it. where it finds it and like a body meet a body...
i'm sometimes ashamed because its so cliche
but i'm trying to slough off most shame because aside from self-awareness it is kind of useless
stay self aware (i'm an idiot who inarticulately makes meaning out of rock concerts and records...i refrained from bringing up the mars volta OH TICK!) people have said it better probably but i dont care. people have blogged it better (deebs) but i will continue if only for my own sake. any expression is for primarily my own sake and at the same time an act of love for the human race
cha-ching
you're welcome